


juni fjerde

by nagrom, Nagroma, ragnarGang



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-05-19 08:07:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagrom/pseuds/nagrom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nagroma/pseuds/Nagroma, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragnarGang/pseuds/ragnarGang
Summary: [ValhallaValor]: is online[AltForNorge] is online[ValhallaValor]: oh shit. Hej Norge![ValhallaValor]: so I sorta have something I need to say to you or... Or I don't know what[ValhallaValor]: is typing...[AltForNorge]: That’s not ominous at all. Are you dying?[ValhallaValor]: so Alfred was talking shit about you the last time I was on, and he called you a twink or something stupid, but you're a lot stronger than you look, and I told him that, but then he was talking about how I must like you cause I said that and I didn't know how to respond back to him.[ValhallaValor]: is typing...[ValhallaValor]: ...Because I think hes right?[ValhallaValor]: is offline





	1. nervous date night

Mathias walked up to Lukas' door, a wide grin plastered across his face as he took a deep breath. It wasn't a date. It wasn't a date. It's a get-together, a drinking date- not a date! He had to keep reminding himself. Even as he fiddled with his tie and made sure his shirt was properly tucked in. It took him a few moments to steel himself and get prepared to actually see him after the confession not an hour ago. 

He popped the knuckles along his right hand before knocking on the door. "Lukas? You ready to go? I'm here!"

Lukas tried to squash down the butterflies that threatened to spill out of his stomach and up his throat, filling his mouth with their metaphorical flutters. He hadn't actually expected Mathias to say anything, maybe they'd both be content with carrying their inconvenient emotions to their graves, but he couldn't exactly say that he hated it either. The entire idea itself brought him excited titters, like the elevated sneaky joy of indulging in treats that you really shouldn't have. Although he has tried to posture as an 'incredibly busy man', with all the talk of ditching meetings and what not, Lukas was not one with a lack of leisure time. His nervous energy forcing him to his feet and into doing something more productive, that being dressing up while waiting for Mathias to pick him up like they were in some contrived movie about a prom. 

However, as he made his way to the door, Lukas realized that his clothing choice of a short-sleeved dress shirt over a mesh scene kid shirt that gripped at his knuckles, as well as his chunky flannel, skinny jeans and boots gave a very conflicting and confusing answer in terms of what exactly was the dress code at whatever hypothetical gathering he was going to. Such was the drawbacks of nervously chucking every item in your wardrobe on your body in a haze of post-confession confusion, and Mathias was going to have to live with that. Creaking the old door open, he stepped outside, giving a light playful tug at Mathias's tie as he always does. 

"Ready as I'll ever be."

It had taken a while for the other to open the door and in that time Mathias had zoned out entirely. Hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the landing as he watched the leaves rustle in a nearby tree. So he was entirely off guard when a familiar tug jerked him out of his thoughts and he ended up skirting sideways along the same path as Lukas, clumsily trying to get his feet completely under him before babbling out a greeting.

It wasn't until he started to talk that he got a good look at him and Mathias blinked a few times in confusion. Was he wearing the entirety of his closet? Did it really matter? No, not really. Lukas was Lukas. "Heya Lukas, sorry I didn't getcha a limo, but I figured we could ride at a low profile." He laughed, jogging slightly to keep up with his brisk pace. Completely disregarding his state of dress, Mathias threw an arm around his shoulder and smiled. "it's not much, but it'll get us there!" He laughed, gesturing to the small grey car that would probably look comical for him to sit in the driver's seat. 

He raised an eyebrow, the action being as pointed and deliberate as possible. Now, he was no elitist even despite the fact that he was technically swimming in oil money now, but there was something about the tiny cube of a car that made him want to burst out into laughter.

"I didn't know you moonlighted as a clown," Actually imagining Mathias squeezing into that car with his ridiculous hair probably brushing along the roof almost broke Lukas's signature stone-cold deadpan expression, his lips twitching with the uncontrollable type of laugh you can only get from terrible jokes. Despite his teasing, he moved towards it anyway, throwing his arm over the top like he was some model in a car commercial, feeling confident enough to flash a quick, but completely genuine smile at Mathias. Today was going to be a good day, he decided, spirits buoyed from whatever emotional nadir they normally resided at. "Don't keep us waiting all day, Mat."

Mathias winked at the clown comment, flashing a playful smile as he followed after him. "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me Lukas, just wait until I break out the balloon animals." He added, teasing himself to keep the mood light. Sticking his tongue out at the other, he took a moment to appreciate the attitude that Lukas encapsulated at this moment, propped up against his car with a look that he just couldn't place. Hopefully he was entertained. "I'm not keeping you waiting anyways! I'm right here!" He playfully protested, close enough now to clap him on the shoulder. "Let's go get sloshed!" He snorted and gently pushed him to encourage him to enter the boxy car, turning back to fumble for his keys. He had to admit, the feeling of the evening was starting off pretty great... Hopefully it stays that way. "Any suggestions on where you want to start?" He asked as he unlocked the doors with the remote starter and slipped in- his hair did indeed brush against the roof and just in general made him look ridiculous. Throwing an arm around the passenger seat, he leaned back to try and peer out the window at Lukas. "Coming?"

Scoffing, he slid into the passenger seat, folding himself into sharp angles like an indie singer filming a music video, an arm slung onto the window ledge, a leg stretched as far as it could into the alcove under the dashboard. Quirking his wrist in a measured, lazy motion, he knocked on the dashboard twice, hearing it's hollow thunks. 

"You really need to get a better car," It was an offhand comment, mostly spurred on by seeing the odd ways Mathias's hair clung to the ceiling, the felt brushing against his bright locks. Shifting into a languorous stretch, or at least one as languorous as the space allowed, Lukas chose to look at the scenery outside, head resting against the window. "I would love to get incredibly drunk with you, but bold of you to assume I go outside enough to know any good places to do so."

He figured as much, jamming the keys in the ignition and reclining the seat back so he had a little bit of wiggle room. "Look, the sole reason I chose this car was entirely for comedic value." He grinned, legs awkwardly bent out so that the steering wheel was functional. "And yes, I regret it entirely." He added, pulling out his phone to quickly scan a few places that popped up on the screen. Picking one out, he tossed the device onto the dash and looked over to him. "I pick first then." He grinned and flicked the keys in the ignition, causing the engine to whir to life.

"I uh... I'm guessing you've been stuck at home a lot though?" He chirped after pulling the car out onto the road, it wouldn't be right for him to just bury that little comment about not going outside... What happened? Eyes snapping back to the road he let the remark hang in the air for a moment before adding to it. "Thanks for coming out with me though, you're gonna catch cabin fever if you hang out in that house alone all the time." He grinned as he migrated through the lanes at an even pace, for being so rambunctious he was actually a pretty responsible driver... At least with someone else in the car.

"First? Are we going to multiple places?" Despite his newfound bravery, Lukas was not quite ready to start bar crawling, the idea of a loud place with yelling men and crowds not quite soothing his nerves. Although, he reminded himself, there would be copious amounts of alcohol, which would make up for all the hassle of being in a room full of noise and motion. Shrugging, he decided to actually answer the Dane's question.


	2. one beer and done

Lukas decided to bite the bullet and admit even a little of the issue gnawing at his life, instead of saying something in the frustrating obfuscating way that he always did, eyes trained on the scenery outside. "Well, yeah, there's isn't a lot out there for me anymore."

The tacked-on sentence made Lukas's heart squeezed with guilt, had he really been distant enough that his very presence warranted an expression of gratitude? Placing a hand on Mathias's ridiculously bent knee, he hoped that he wasn't going to interrupt the other's surprisingly responsible driving. "I should be thanking you, Mat. For bringing me out of the house and," he waved his other hand vaguely in the air, hoping that the flippant move would downplay the emotional sincerity of the whole exchange, "for just being a good person in general, I guess."

He didn't answer for quite a bit, trying to formulate some sort of response to the load of information that had just been dumped on him. His unusual quietness amplified as time went on, an uncertain string of words cautiously easing into the space between them. "You know, there are plenty of things out here for you, Lu... Just because we know every inch of our lands, it doesn't mean we know the people or creatures that live on them..." He started softly. Sparing a quick glance over at him, clearly still mid-thought. "And you never need to thank me for that anyways Lukas... I like to spend time with you, so I'm not really that great of a person... You know that. I'm just-... Being selfish again I guess." He added with a solemn chuckle, letting one of his hands fall from the wheel to perch on the top of his hand.

Still maintaining good road etiquette, he returned his eyes to the car in front of him. "Just indulge me a few hours and I promise I'll leave you to your solitude if you still want it."He smiled almost meekly as he pulled into a pretty quiet looking corner tavern. It didn't look too busy or fancy, just somewhere cozy and warm. "Here we are. Didn't take too long now did it?" He offered, almost tempted to refuse the removal of Lukas' thin digits from his knee. He didn't want to lose the contact he had with him, but he let it go, unbuckling his seat belt with that hand instead. 

Drawing his hand away, Lukas unbuckled his own seatbelt as well, stepping out of the car with a stretch. Pausing, he mulled over that surprisingly emotionally vulnerable car ride. Perhaps those tweets on the internet were right, drives with friends could possibly be an acceptable replacement to therapy. He turned on his heel to face Mathias, every part of his body from molecules to subatomic particles trying their best to come across as nonchalant. Shoulders twisted in a half-hearted commitment to a shrug, he began to speak, words a flat monotone that contrasted his sharp words. 

"Don't say that, Mat. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." Circling his way to the other side of the car, Lukas patted Mathias on the back in his best imitation of a friendly gesture before linking their arms together. He continued to talk as he dragged the two of them along towards the entrance of the bar. It was strange, having to be the chipper one for once, but seeing Mathias so pessimistic made his heart pang, so if it took stepping out of his comfort zone to get that proud grin back onto the Dane's face, it would be more than worth it. Hoping to lighten up the other's mood, he shook his head and smirked, mouth curling in the mischievous way it always did whenever he makes fun of someone, adding in an overdramatic eye roll for good measure. "And honestly? I think you're the only bastard in the family that actually cares about our group, so you've lost the selfishness contest by a mile there, bud."

Mulling around in his thoughts, he was kicked out of his descent into the past by a few sharp pats to his middle back. Obviously surprised, he glanced to him with an exasperated puff of air after understanding he had been caught mid-thought. Before He could even say anything, Lukas had threaded their arms together and tugged him forward. Those pesky butterflies in his stomach fluttered around incessantly as he drew his eyes up the nape of his neck to the side of Lukas's face. Lost for words until they reached the doors, until that playful little smartass smile reflected on the other nation's lips and shattered the slowly building uncertainty around him. 

Even with that small tug of encouragement... Mathias knew he was still selfish. His selfishness wasn't for him though, it was for them all to be happy, healthy, and themselves. Even if that goal put him in a rough place, he would do anything to just see these smiles. A grin clicked into his expression, almost like he only had three gears. Solemn, confused, and enthused. "Hah, yeah? We'll see about that when you're driving me home tonight." He snorted and took a more dominant role, taking the doors and thrusting them open. A grand entrance as always.

Opening up into a cozy fire lit bar that was bathed in warm colours and heat, he glanced to Lukas and flashed his thousand-watt grin. "I guess it's now or never then, right?" 

Not to completely abandon his 'emotionless hermit' shtick, but seeing a smile click perfectly onto Mathias's face was almost wondrous enough for Lukas to half-consider petitioning the UN to classify it as a world heritage event. Expressions of joy just seemed to make Mathias glow, his ridiculous hair even looked like the warming light of afternoon sun. However, despite baring of souls and the certain joy felt between them, there was still the emotional elephant in the room going blatantly unaddressed, but neither of them were known as world-class address of issues, so maybe their careful skirting around the topic was on-brand. That was the way Lukas tried to justify his own cowardice to himself, shifting from foot to foot as he realized the eyes on them and their boisterous entry.

"I see how it is, bursdag gutt. Did you pick me up just so you could have a designated driver?" Slinking half-behind Mathias's protective presence, Lukas wasn't quite put-off enough to lose his sharp tongue, however, teasing was slightly less effective when you are literally cowering behind the person you're making fun of. He gave a gentle nudge to the Dane's side in the universal sign of 'you go do something', pressing closer to Mathias almost to the point of peering over his shoulder. It was times like this that Lukas wished that there was still a cape to clutch at, instead of just grabbing a fistful of shirt like a toddler. "But hey, Let's sit by the fire, like old times."

Mathias chuckled at the name calling, his first instinct to step slightly in front of Lukas that fistful of fabric tugging on his heartstrings as he glanced around the interior of the building. "Yeah, I think that's a great idea." He directed his smile back to Lukas for a moment to offer a bit of encouragement. "Common Lu, drinks are on me today." He offered. "Maybe we can loosen you up a bit to the point where you actually enjoy yourself." It was a gentle jab at the both of them, knowing full well that maybe after his little outburst online they needed to fall back into some old routines.

Carefully, he reached back to wrap an arm around his shoulder, trying to provide enough protection beside him so that the other wouldn't feel the need to stand partially behind him. "So, what are you gonna order? I'm thinking something special." He laughed, his voice laced with a reminiscent tone as they wove through chairs and tables to the fireplace. Truly, he had mostly forgotten his birthday this year, he didn't have anyone to really celebrate it with, so he tried to forget it. Even when Lukas had commented not long ago about his birthday... That it was childish, and they were too old to care... He still clung to it, until the day came and no one called or visited, that he was left to his own devices....his gait faltered. There he was getting sidetracked again, his grin having fallen from his face, he quickly tried to plaster it back on before Lukas noticed.

"Hey," Of course, he wasn't quite lucky enough to escape Lukas's careful scrutiny, gaze already quite conveniently fixed on the Dane's face. It would be shameful to admit that feeling Mathias's protective grasp around him made his heart skip a beat, or how he tried to speak but errant emotion caught his voice in his throat like a self-imposed roadblock, so he didn't. Instead, he bumped his shoulder into the other's side, looking down and to the left in a careful attempt to avoid eye contact. "Are you okay?"

Chewing at his lip, Lukas allowed himself to lean into Mathias's grasp, arms crossed and shoulders hunched in a half-hearted attempt to seem emotionally detached. It hadn't been long since his own birthday, but thinking of the slow inevitable passage of time, it seemed almost frivolous to celebrate an institution of entropy. However, he knew that it was important to Mathias, who wanted to be a part of the humans' lives, who took to pointless celebrations like a duck to water, and if was important to him, it would have to be important for all of them. Sneaking little peeks through his bangs, Lukas gazed up at Mathias, glancing away every time he even looked in his direction. Something about his grin was just infuriatingly joy-inducing, almost enough for Lukas to feel a soft smile tugging at his own lips. If he was so excited about a simple night out, he couldn't wait for Mathias's reaction to his actual gift.

"Y'can choose for me, by the way," he mumbled, half-caught in his own mindscape now. Was it a little insensitive? Sure, it might be a slap in the face or salt in a long picked at wound, or it could be one of the few things that spark joy from a time riddled with misery. That was the line Lukas himself was the most adept at walking, the thin line between caring and cruel, between family and enemies, between soft lullabies and corpses gnawed by sharp teeth. They are nothing alike, the sun and moon, a glorious battle and a quiet back stab, but they were perfectly matched, a rising melody through a steady harmony. Perhaps they were supposed to perish in the ancient world, but they're still here, so why not make it everyone else's problem.

"I okay?..." He repeated the question, his eyes flickering into the fire as he took a deep breath, a sweaty palm wiping against his black dress pants in a gesture to soothe himself. Should he tell the truth? Tell him that he felt left behind in this new modern world, buried and suffocating beneath the technology and the people, that the idea of his family was falling through his fingers before he could clench his aching digits around the frayed threads... Or does he lie? Say everything was fine and that he was just imagining things? That Lukas was just trying to make this more than it really was, an excuse to leave. "I'm... Okay, just feeling lonesome lately." He offered softly, split between the line. 

His arm tightly pulled him closer, feeling his thin warmth pressed against his side. It felt natural, and yet there wasn't anything to protect Lukas from. He couldn't tell what exactly was running through the platinum blonde's head despite the hundreds of years together. His calloused well-worn fingers brushed against the strange netted sleeves, wishing that he had gone without it so he could touch the other's alabaster skin. It wasn't a lie, he was lonely. Too many nights he spent at the docks, asking questions up to the stars and hoping for answers. Wishing for someone to walk up the pier and take the spot beside him with the waves lapping at bare feet.

"Here... Get comfortable, I'll get us something to drink." He hummed, still smiling except without the blistering optimism that usually swallowed up any other expression. After leading him to a comfy chair that looked like it would partially engulf the person lucky enough to sink into it. The Dane walked to the bar, conversing quietly with the bartender while gesturing as he spoke. The man laughed with him slightly and nodded as he went off to fill two frosty mugs with amber drink as Mathias flashed a card to pay after rummaging around through a worn leather wallet.


	3. lukas goes feral and mat is old

Sinking into the plush upholstery like he wanted it to bury him alive and have it smother him with smoke stained fabric, Lukas sighed, the soft noise getting lost in the colour of the room and the happy crackling of the fire. Plucking at the mesh fabric crawling across his knuckles, he tried to figure out what to do or say. He'd.. never thought that Mathias would be lonely, he had so many friends, like a star with planets that just couldn't help but be pulled into his magnetic orbit. Although it was corny, he was quite frankly, irresistible. At least, that's what Lukas had thought, always brushing thoughts of visiting the Dane with the dismissive platitudes of 'he's busy', or 'he's probably having an actual good time, and he doesn't need a mall goth in his twenties with teen angst to crash his fun party, thanks'. 

Curling up into himself, Lukas wrapped his arms around his torso, already missing the warmth of Mathias's embrace wrapped around him. These past weeks have slipped by in a silky wave of emotion, feeling like the softly comforting texture of dipping your hand in a fast yet gentle stream. There had been too many allowances made, boundaries that have been crossed so many times that they have just become a chalk smudge on cracked pavement, and now, he was reliant again, on the other's comforting presence, his protectiveness like armour wrapping around him and keeping him safe.

Shaking his head in a quick action, Lukas pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes, the netted fabric on his palms scraping at his eyelids. Thoughts circled in his brain like birds, slamming into the metaphorical windows and breaking every single one of their delicate hollow bones. Perhaps he was reading too much into it, Mathias just admitted that he was lonely, maybe his confession was nothing but a fantasy built on the rotting bones of their past history, like getting together would magically transport them back into the times when they felt like a unit within a family. They were all lonely, right? He had seen his brother's outbursts, Tino's incessant mother-henning, and although he could never really read Berwald, he was certain that the family-focused man wasn't perfectly content either. So why were they drifting apart? Lukas couldn't deny his role in it, his loathing for everyone and everything causing him to withdraw into a self-imposed exile, hissing and spitting at any sign of friendship or help because he didn't want to get better, because he wanted to wallow in misery. That, however, wouldn't account for everyone else, they could've just rebranded as the Nordic 4, or maybe they could've finally invited that Estonia guy, but there was no way he could have forgiven them for abandoning each other and leaving Mat, the only one who actually cared, to suffer alone. 

Mathias took the two mugs, frothed over and practically glowing in the low lit bar in his hands. Thanking the man warmly and insisted he would be back for more before turning to head back with the two drinks. He was mid-stride when he caught the other adjusting his thin frame, forcefully pressing his palms to his eye sockets. Doubt bubbled up his throat and he took a deep wavering breath, thinking maybe he had taken things too far- that maybe he had hurt him for whatever reason. Gods why did he have to just blurt out things without thinking!? Taking the moment to just watch him squirm in the chair, deep in thought by the way his shoulders tensed, the way he blocked out the world around him to gather his bearings in a familiar action. Quietly, he continued his pace to the chair beside him, setting down the fogged over glass that had his smudgy finger marks brushed against them with an audible clink. "Whatcha thinking about Lu?" He asked softly, sinking down into the chair beside him, having already filed away his admission for another time. He hummed and took his drink, not hesitating to dip it back and down half of the glass in a single swig.

"Forget I said anything, it's..." Taking a deep breath, he stretched that smile across his face again, a practiced action. "It's not something for you to worry about." He chuckled and leaned back in the plush chair, watching as the fire licked up against charred logs with ever flickering fingers.

It was a dance he wished he could have enjoyed more of when he was younger, these days feel like a blur of actions fuzzy at the edges. The only memorable things we're the faces of his family. The time Lukas cracked a smile after mat had been knocked out by a snowball lobbed from Sve, the careful concern they both shared after patching him up for the fifth time in a month, that annoyed exasperated expression when Mathias took the time to draw his fingers along every tree trunk on their path.

The loneliness was quenched around Lukas, maybe that's why he had grown so attached in the past few months. Not that it wasn't with anyone else. He could have seen Alfred, or Sve, or even Gilbert, but Lukas was different. He didn't just fill that void, he made the Dane feel giddy. He made him feel like the intensity from all those years ago had not vanished into thin air and left him feeling insufficient...he didn't tear his gaze from the fire as he took another sip. "I think it's inevitable anyway. The harder you try to hold on, the quicker things slip away." He murmured after bringing the empty glass down to sit in his lap. Mathias didn't even register what it tasted like, too focused on trying to smooth over his obvious mistake. 

His eyes snapped up, pupils dilating like that of a feral animal, blowing out like a wide disk before contracting into a thin pinprick of void nestled in violet. For just a second, when he was close to bursting open his eyes with pressure, the noises of the world melted away, leaving the static and the ringing as his entire reality. Then, Mathias's bright voice called him back, as it always did, like a lighthouse on the shore, the promised destination after an almost endless tunnel. Blinking twice, he shook the bloodied feathers out of his brain. Now was not the time to do this, he reminded himself, gathering his civility from the careless corners of his mind where he had lost them. 

A hesitant hand reached out to grab at the glass, fingers groping unsteadily against its foggy surface and drawing unintentional lines in the beading mists. Finally taking ahold of the drink, Lukas drank deeply, the honey-sweet burn grounding him to this place, this time, and this body. His tongue ran over his teeth, sharp deadly bones they were, affixed and welded to his skull. His family, they were wild once, like the wolves and bears that wandered their lands, he had almost thought that they were as much beast as they were man. He remembered, the glint in Mathias's eyes, sharp like the grin of a wolf tasting first blood, or the piercing gaze of Berwald, seeming more like a hawk that watched and waited to strike. Sometimes he still feels it, the wild waiting to burst out of him, ripping apart his skin like a carelessly wrapped present. Finally, after much struggle, he found his words, eyes boring into Mathias's own like they were the only things stopping him from slipping away entirely.

"Mat." His voice was soft, barely carrying over the clamour of the meaningless souls around them. He took another sip, closing his eyes before leaning closer to the chair beside him, almost half-draped over the ostensibly stuffed arm. "This is important to you, and, I understand. We've all been feeling it, alone, missing each other."

His eyes drew open, languidly shifting them around the room now. They had all been looking at it through rose-tinted glasses of course. The past was horrible, with death and war and control being the only thing that ever mattered, but perhaps devastation with family is more preferable to mundanity alone. That certainly wouldn't make him feel better either, he mused, but it was strange, how those in power viewed life more favourably than those without. "..I have something for you after we're done. At my house."

It seemed like an eternity until he got an answer to his statement, an answer he hadn't been expecting. Especially not from him, with his calm collected dismissal. His fingers deftly ran along the edge of the glass in his hands, eliciting a soft drawl of a note from between them. His eyes, drawn away from the fire focused on Lukas, whose own wild gaze seemed in turmoil just beneath those deep wondrous lenses. The confusion on his face was palpable as he cocked his head to the side. "What do'ya mean Lu?" He asked softly. "I was sorta liking the place." He chuckled, shifting back in the chair as he began to tap his finger against the side of the mug. "But if you want to go home, I guess I shouldn't keep you out too late." He smiled that crooked grin and hefted himself up off the chair. "S'for the best anyways, can't be travellin' home smashed." He added. "Maybe next time."


	4. its time, for Sad™

Mathias couldn't really remember those times, back when they roamed from place to place, nomads in a newly discovered place filled with dangers. Lukas always had that pinpoint memory, the practicality... Putting those instincts to use. Mathias had just flung himself into danger at every turn, no matter the cost. It was surely aggravating, and he was sure he got an earful...but things like that just slipped his mind. Now, if he really tried, sat down and focused on his life before towns, before sturdy buildings and farms, he could remember all the blood sweat and tears exchanged for life. It was a damn good trade in his opinion, and as he stood up, setting his mug to the side, Mathias held his hand out to Lukas with his usual smile still tugging at his lips. "Come on then, I can't just wait all night." 

It was almost unthinkable to end a night so early for him, but he figured things had possibly fallen into a backwards spiral. Each sentence adding another shovel of excavated dirt to the pile beside his dug grave. All he was doing was making things worse, and he knew it. Internally the Dane scolded himself, he should have just stayed home until this bout of wallowing ended, but it was just so persistent. He held his breath, hoping whatever damage he did wouldn't leave his extended hand empty. 

Throwing the last dregs of the drink back and dropping the glass unceremoniously onto the table, Lukas listlessly raised his other hand, clasping it with Mathias's and dragging himself out of the plush comfort of the chair. Stumbling slightly on his feet, he squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again, the drink hitting him harder than he thought it would. His hand lingered half a second too long before pulling away, cool skin drinking in the warmth of the other, sunniness soaking into every single inch of touching flesh.

"It is illegal to be driving while drunk, yes." the bar was a nice reprieve from the claustrophobic spaces of his home, the walls almost seeming like they squeeze a little bit tighter everyday, but the clamour, the people, it was too much for him. Every time he blinked he could imagine it in ruins, an ancient structure lying forgotten forever, while the patrons became nothing more than poorly remembered names and meaningless dust. How did Mathias do it? Befriend humans while knowing that they were nothing but mayflies, doomed to live for just a blink of the eye before another identical one could go to take its place. Half regretting his decision to let go, Lukas slipped his hand back into the Dane's calloused grip, mind spilling with excuses ranging from 'I just wanted to lead you to your car, that you parked, in a bar that you chose' to 'I'm drunk from one measly drink and have lost all critical thinking skills'. 

Head down, eyes to the ground. Lukas all but dragged Mathias out of the bar, breath deepening into a soft gasp once they hit the cool air of the outdoors. The cold jolted common sense back into him, the mists curling out of his mouth almost like his terrible thoughts taking form. The soft environment of the bar receded behind him, and so did the atmosphere that half-convinced him that everything is but a dream and that he could take whatever action that he wants. He jerked his hand away, the rush of embarrassment and shame scratching it's way up his organs making the action far too harsh. 

"I-" He closed his mouth, nothing he wanted to say made sense, his brain just churning out endless apologetically emotional sentence fragments, the sentiments shattered like the remains of a stained glass window. So, he went for the more factual option, carefully modulating his voice into sharp words, non-hysterical monotone saving him as always. "Sve is coming over also. I just asked him to."

Brisk air brushing against the clammy nape of Mathias’ neck just behind his collar made him breathe out a sigh of comfort, an old friend checking in on them as the chill careful buffeted against their lone figures in the rising dark. He tried to give the other space, even with his hand having been the one to re-engage. There was something he just couldn't discern from looking at him, no matter how hard he tried to figure Lukas out, he always ended up feeling more lost than when he started in the maze of his personality. Endless dead ends staring him in the face until he childishly gave up and let the other guide him to what he allowed Mathias to know. Why did this always have to be so complicated? Was it just himself, Mathias' eagerness turning into some sort of toxic wall that made him turn away?... When his hand left his, he could feel his gut twist with anxiety. 

At the mention of the Swede, his brows scrunched up, an imperceivable flash of betrayal leaving a bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of Lukas calling for reinforcements. He'd probably just hand him off, let Sve be the babysitter and go on his merry way. He'd pushed things too far and now he had to deal with the consequences of overstepping a line that had been scratched in the sand thousands of times.

"Ya didn' have to do that." he started, an edge to his voice that hadn't been there before. His free hand dug into his pocket, pressing his thumb to the edge of one of his keys. He stopped in his tracks just a few feet from the car and didn't budge any further, looking down the street with a distant stare. "I think it might be better if I just head home, anyways." He quietly added, wanting to chuck the set of keys off into the dark as far as he could, to give him some sort of excuse... he didn't want to leave, but that's all he could imagine would fix this situation. 

He forced himself to hold tightly onto the keys as he dragged them from his pocket, switching modes too quickly that it even left him dazed for a moment as he let out a brisk laugh and placed his hand on his hip. "I hope that present of yours is good. We coulda been out here all night drinking and you coulda called Sve in for the rescue!" he joked, spinning the keyring on his pinkie finger before sticking his tongue out at him.

"W-what?" The unexpected change in tone left Lukas reeling, surprise hijacking his vocal control, the word coming out as a soft whimper, just the tinge of fear and anxiety palatable in its quiver. His heart tightened into a stone, rising into his throat to the point where he almost thought that he would vomit it out. Navigating the complexities of their relationship was like being a dog with an electrical collar, not knowing the rules until you can smell the singed scent of flesh and fur rising off of your body. He wanted to throw himself at him, babbling about every single idiotic emotion he's felt since the middle ages, he wanted to reach out and tell him every single truth held on his tongue, but he bit it instead, swallowing down the bitter pills of emotions that made his mouth taste of red. 

A step towards him, that's what he would allow himself, almost expecting Mathias to shrink away in this strange form of waltz they've invented, a cycle of chasing after each other as they draw away. Pushing at the other until they actually leave, then there is no greater desire than for them to be back again.

"I just thought," That was false, he didn't think, he just reached for the first thing that he thought would make the Dane happy, fingers wildly grasping at anything that would bring a real smile to his face. His hands reached to the hem of his shirt, fists balling up the fabric in a desperate attempt to control the emotions spreading like fire across his skin. "You said you were lonely, and his birthday is so close to yours and it's us, it's always been us."

That laugh didn't fool him a bit, the echo was empty through the trees, theatrics performed only for the performer himself. Mathias's mask had been slipping all night, grins that were only there when they had to be, laughs that seemed forced. It was like listening to your favourite song but realizing that every other note was in the minor key, a gorge in the uncanny valley. Lukas’s mouth pulled into a soft frown, looking neither angry nor sad, just quietly regretful.

"Mat, please." Another step forward, he couldn't afford to lose him now. In a frighteningly bold move, he reached up and crossed his wrists behind Mathias's head, effectively trapping him unless the other decided to use force. Lukas wasn't quite deluded enough to think that he would beat the Dane in terms of strength. There were so many things that he wanted to say, explanations, platitudes, but every word vanished from his mouth when he reached out for them, leaving him to grasp at a rapidly crumbling edge. "Humour us, okay? We don't get excuses to celebrate often."

Mathias’s bitter smile flickered to confusion, then regret as he fully realized that this wasn't some ploy to get rid of him. some excuse to drop him off and escape back into their comfortable roles of this never-ending back and forth. Lukas was actively trying and he was too numbskulled to put two and two together. There hadn't been a single regretful comment that slipped past his lips tonight, just gentle prods and their usual teasing. "It has always been us..." he echoed softly, the feeling of his hand tightening around his shirt was familiar, the next step, however, threw him completely off.

Slender arms barred him from moving any further, his voice caught in his throat and his distant look snapped back to him, meeting Lukas' eyes with his own. The gentle brush of Lukas' breath tickled against his neck and he almost took a step back to try and solidify that this was reality. He couldn't come up with anything funny or bold to say, too bewildered by the sudden change of tone on this outing. all he could manage as he carefully lowered his hand- once holding his keys that had dropped once Lukas had locked his arms around him was a quiet "O-Okay..." Mathias blinked and outlined Lukas' subtle features with his dazed stare.

Swallowing back the lump in this throat, he placed his other hand onto his shoulder. "I... didn't mean to make this such a big deal." he nervously laughed and exhaled to try and release the tension in his shoulders. he leaned down, bumping their foreheads together in a desperate way to try and ground himself as he squeezed his eyes shut. Over and over he repeated to 'pull himself together' in his head. It wasn't long, a few seconds at most, but when he pulled back, there was a genuine smile on his face and he had visibly relaxed. Even if it started out forced, it was still honest. "Alright then, let's go celebrate! I think we need it." he laughed, hesitating before he wrapped the other in a very light held hug, knowing how skittish he could get around them. As soon as it took for a cycle of breath, it was over and he pulled back just as far as Lukas' arms would let him. "Thanks, Lu." 

The unexpected nuzzle drew a surprised giggle from Lukas, too caught off-guard by the strangely endearing action to even think of muffling his laugh with overt layers of irony and detachment. The night was taking a strange turn, an emotional rollercoaster ride that certainly has not passed safety inspections, but it gave him butterflies nonetheless. When Mathias leaned in for an embrace, he was too tired to stop himself from exhaling deeply, the breath expelling the fears that gathered only moments before, and to just let himself melt into the other's presence for the fleeting moment that the hug lasted. 

Semi-hesitantly, Lukas finally drew back, uncrossing his wrists and bringing his arms back to wrap around himself. "You really scared me there, Mat, I almost thought you forgot who we were." His words, as always, were statements of truth wrapped in teasing, like a spoonful of sugar that helps the bitter emotional medicine go down. 

"But, uh," he hesitated before shrugging, voice abandoning all pretense of detached obfuscation. Lightly shaking his head so that his hair fell into his face, Lukas gave himself a perfect excuse to avoid eye-contact, so that the moment would be slightly less genuine than it already was. "Don't worry about it. Both Ber and I want you to be as happy as possible, today of all days... we owe you at least that much."


	5. shitty gift central

It felt like in that moment, the emotional turmoil that had been hanging around him like some deranged thunderstorm parted, from just the warmth that the small peel of laughter brought to him. Tearing down wall after wall of his own emotional hardening that had slowly been built up after years of solitude, of grasping at straws for human company that was fleeting at best. He didn't press any further, wanting to reply with something along the lines of feeling himself slipping away into the past- but he bit his tongue just wanting to bask in the quick moment of sunlight brought on by Lukas' voice, his gentle care that he missed so much of. His eyes flickered over each feature of his companion, a smile quickly drawing to his lips as he settled on meeting Lukas' eyes, their depths never ceased to amaze him. He might feign non-committance on the outside, but he knew there was always more to each calculated action. When the hair fell into his face, his disappointment was palpable. "You don't owe me anything Lukas." He said softly, still with that small smile tugging the corners of his lips as he crouched down to pick up his dropped keys. "I wouldn't want'cha to owe me anything either. Like it or not we're equals now." He teased lightheartedly, his sudden flip in energy wasn't uncommon, it was just the outwardly show of negative emotions that had swept him up into unfamiliarity. He patted the other's back, touch lingering for a moment longer than needed as he headed to the car. "Let's get going! All you need is Berwald standing outside your house frightening off all your neighbours!" He joked, having already rolled the heavy emotional baggage off to another compartment in his head. Filed away like an eviction notice. He squeezed once more into the comically small car and gave his horn a playful honk to get Lukas out of his dream-like pace. 

Jumping at the noise, he turned sharply on his heel and climbed in, face turned pointedly away from Mathias. Shoulders pinned back, Lukas could feel the night building up to its crescendo, the slow anxiety encroaching back into the edges of his vision as the car made its way to the inevitable event horizon of his house. The journey back didn't take nearly as much time, the trees bleeding into an amorphous green blur, like the back of a troll rising out of the land.

There his house loomed, gnarled trims clinging like bramble to the covered windows. It almost looked like the building itself was mourning, hunched silhouette reflecting the years and turmoil it has seen. As soon as the car stopped, Lukas climbed out, the once-endearing cramped car now becoming suffocating under the weight of the new unease stuffed like rags into his lungs. 

Quickly firing off a text to Berwald, he turned back to Mathias and gave a weak smile, overcompensating for the dread coursing through his veins. "I should give you your present now, before Ber actually shows up," It was not a perfect present, he knew that, the apprehension stemming from the idea of presenting it to Mathias almost made him want to burn the house down then and here. It was another spit in the face for something that had happened centuries ago, but it was also a token of their history, a reminder of how they came to be family. Maybe that was enough to salvage the intentions from a knife hidden in an olive branch to a crow baring news of peace. He shrugged, eyes staring almost shamefully at the ground, "just, please don't be mad.”

"Why would I be mad?" He asked as he climbed out of the confines of his small car, peering over the top with a warm grin. "You said it was going to be perfect, right? I believe ya!" He laughed and leaned over the silver automobile as he shut the door and locked them out of habit. His eyes flickered up to the house for a moment and he could feel the quick squeeze of regret tighten in his chest. So much history between the two of them, this land, and it all seemed to finally be getting better. A soft drum of his fingers over the metal which bounced the digits back just as soon as they could dance against the surface, and he departed from his car to take up a spot beside Lukas. Briskly striding over just to catch up.

Playfully bumping his hip against the other's in a friendly gesture, he gazed up at the looming house in front of them. "Speaking about presents Lu, I'm thinking mine shoulda been to help you fix this place up. It looks like you're living in an abandoned drug den." He snorted and threw his arm over the other's shoulder. "We coulda painted it neon yellow or something- it would have livened up the place in the least." He teased and squeezed him once before quickly removing himself from the other's space, his mind wandering to what the gift Lukas had to give him could be- he had seemed pretty stoked back at the bar. Maybe it was something he worked really hard on or something he found lying around from when they were kids- or maybe it was just a board game night with the boys- that last prospect made him practically buzz with excitement as he flipped around to look at Lukas, walking backwards as he spoke. 

"Now come on, you've gotta give me a hint or something, you know I'm no good at guessing!" An innocent. Childlike expression having taken over his features, like a kid seeing a mountain of gifts on Christmas day, or the prospect of getting a bunch of sweets. He wasn't thinking about any devious plot or jab, simply taking him for his word as the excitement began to build up a sort of hype you can't shake off. He about fell over himself backwards as his heel caught on the steps to the porch, windmilling his arms to keep upright and spurting out a quick curse before being back to the bubbly bouncing boy too enthralled with the idea of celebrating to notice the sudden change in Lukas' demeanour- not that it was obvious. 

Just a half-hour before, he would've pretended to be reluctant to tease Mathias back, before pinching at his cheek or yanking at his tie. Now, he was filled with too much presaged regret to do much other than stiffen at the arm thrown around his shoulders, worry gnawing through any pretense of normality he tried to uptake. Lukas paid no mind to the Dane's rambling, throwing in 'hms' and 'uhuhs' at various intervals as he fiddled with the lock, its rusty tumblers clicking like the safety of a gun. The door creaked open to a dark foyer, a couch and easel being the only things looking out of place in the 'abandoned horror mansion' aesthetic.

"It's.. you'll see, but I worked really hard on it," he was so excited to show Mathias because he'd know that the other would pretend to not notice the true meaning of it, he had almost wanted to see how he would dance around it, gushing half-sincere gratitudes as he was faced with proof of what he had done. After the scene outside of the bar, Lukas couldn't help but feel guilty, his gift would do nothing but bolster the sins that the rest of them had already absolved Mathias of. 

His shoes clicked on the cold marble flooring as he made his way over to beside the covered stand, body buzzing with the need of just getting over with it, like tooth extractions without anesthesia, a quick jerk, a jolt of pain, and then, nothing. "I know, we don't have a... lot from that era, of us, together as a family or whatever, so, I tried my best to recreate what it would've been like," maybe the speech would save the gift, sentimental intentions softening the bitter consequences. He sighed, and with a half-hearted flourish, yanked the heavy cloth off of the easel, revealing the not-quite-dry painting underneath.

It was them, their entire family in the Kalmar union era, the garish yellow and reds of the flag accenting their various national uniforms. In the centre was Mathias, his portion barely dried, the same bright grin on the painting as the one he was just wearing, effortlessly sunny, a beacon of joy. Around him was everyone else, each wearing uniform expressions of nothing, eyelids half-drawn over glassy eyes, looking like animals trapped in a cruel zoo, having already accepted their fate until death. 

"T-tada?" There was nothing he could say that would salvage the situation, just faint hope that maybe Mathias would pretend to not notice, that he would act as though it was a sweet gift and nothing else.


	6. mental breakdown time :)

Mathias followed after him humming softly, a curious bounce to his step as he filled with excitement. Although as they continued on, he finally noticed the subtle shift Lukas presented with his energy. It was a little too late however as his fingers gripped the heavy cloth. Would it be a picture of them? How about the cobbled streets of his home? A subtle painting of something they both- his thoughts stopped as he registered the image before him.

Unending joy seemed to have been strangled by the very hands he had just wanted to hold. His gleeful grin slipping off of his face like a wax statue having a hairdryer taken to his features. His gaze glossing over each face in turn, his keys had dropped again, falling from his grasp in not surprise but by the sheer force of grief that threatened to bowl him over. Feeling like he was suffocating in the waves they used to conquer together, he took a dazed step forwards. The lot of them- all of them except for him. Why was it always him?... His expression standing in front of the painting was was for once, not twisted in a grin or lamely pulled into a look of confusion. It was a mask of complete nothing as he reached up along the canvas, his hand hovering above it for a breath. Then two. Seeing the others only reinforcing it was him, he was the wedge that drove their family apart, and with a ragged breath, he shakily pressed a thumb into his smiling face, smudging himself past recognition into a ghostly blur on the picture. It helped, but the damage was done, both in this snapshot of time and in reality 

The hammering in his chest wasn't going away, and as he stepped back to look at the image, still able to make out the ghost of his grinning face... He had to get out... He stumbled backwards, the regret was written across his features, carved into every muscle as tears pricked at his eyes. Lukas- if he said anything was simply a muffled sound in the background as he turned on his heel and ran. The sound of the door creaking on its hinges left in his wake as he stumbled to the treeline. 

Even though he had expected a negative reaction, seeing Mathias reach out to dig his fingers into the painting surprised Lukas. In fact, it wasn't until he was staring at the Dane's rapidly retreating figure did he truly, actually realize what a dick move it was. Fumbling around in his pocket for his phone, he texted the only other person who would know what to do.

_You know how I said I'd stop him from being stupid?_ The hot ball of shame in his stomach seemed to have frozen into cool shock, his body a statue that could not move, no matter how much he wanted to. As in every high-stake emotional situation, his face was slack, impartial, it almost didn't even look as though he cared, but every nerve inside his body was screaming at him to run, chase after Mathias and apologize or do anything to make him stay. _I was wrong, I was the idiot, it is me. Please, stop him before he does anything rash._

He didn't mean for it to be completely insulting, he had always known that Mathias was happier then, all he wanted to do was to capture that joy, like bottling sunshine in a jar. However, there is no place for lies in a gift, and Lukas could and would not deny the soul-crushing weight of knowing that you are wholly and truly owned by another, like nothing more than cattle. Picking up the cover that was lying forgotten on the floor, he laid it gently back over the painting and collapsed onto the couch. 

Mathias's shoes dug into the loose dirt, skirting through the trees with as he tried his hardest to keep in control, to bite back the sobs of anger and regret that coated his tongue. Branches whipped at his face and arms leaving small cuts and welts that stung like bug bites. Frantically weaving through scraggly bushes that caught his clothing as he tried to outrun a past he had tried to forget in the last few hours. The past that he had been fighting to overcome for so many years. He felt like he had been branded, the searing message of not belonging, of not being welcome, still red hot on his chest by his own family. Engraved in the tombstone that was once their group.

The fact that he couldn't remember the time when they smiled back then made him sink deeper into his quicksand pit of despair. It wasn't long before he came upon a familiar lake before he even realized it he was knee deep in frigid water. Ripples expanding across the glasslike surface as the tears from his repressed wails dripped across the glossy top. His reflection distorted beneath him, all he could see was that stupid grinning face while they all suffered. It was times like this where he would wildly search his pockets, looking for a habit he had long since quit. Longing for the bitter burn of a cigarette and the rancid smell that coated the inside of his nose. He wanted to punish himself. As he bent over, head in his hands to hide himself from his own reflection, he broke into a mournful cry at the realization that nothing was forgiven. "I'm sorry!- Undskyld, jeg er egoistisk, Jeg skulle ikke have gjort det. Undskyld." He hoarsely screamed up at the wintery dusk that had started to fall, his hands migrating up into his hair where he could tug the self-deprecating thoughts out of his head. He shuddered, finally breaking down into the defeated sobs of a man who was lost and broken, finally alone where he didn’t have to share his misery.

Berwald was just pulling up when his phone alerted him for the second time that evening. Sighing heavily, he reached out and languidly unlocked the home screen. His eyes drifting over the text and his lips pursing into a thin line. Stop him? What do you mean Norge? I'm here, just give me a moment. he replied and slowly exited his vehicle, glancing up at the foreboding and familiar sight of Lukas' home which stood guard amongst the swath of trees currently swaying in the wind. His towering form measuring his steps as the door creaked back and forth. "Lukas?" he called out in a deep voice without an emotional undertone. Dipping into the dimly lit home, his gaze swept over the dreary interior until it focused on Norway's form, half-slumped over the couch, eyes open but unseeing. 

“Where’s he?” he quietly asked, an air of awkwardness settling between the two as Sve realized this wasn’t just a normal attitude dip for Mathias. That something had truly hit a sore spot and sent him off in a way that, at least Lukas, wasn’t capable of handling. His hand coming to rest heavily on the other’s shoulder. “Not here I’m assumin' ? S’why ya just sittin’round?’.


	7. saint BERnard

Berwald's arrival finally jolted Lukas from his frozen surprise, they too had known each other for centuries, but there was still something quite intimidating about seeing the resting glower on the Swede's face, and being touched by the hands that have quite literally felled forests. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging a particularly long piece in front of his eyes, gaze averted in shame. Berwald was the smartest of the three of them, Lukas knew that, and he couldn't quite bring himself to face the disapproval that he knows he'd face as soon as the situation was explained. 

"I don't know," was the honest answer, he couldn't even work up the courage, energy, anything to chase after Mathias or to even see where he was going, too caught up in his own spiralling thoughts to be even the bare amount of perceptive. The woods around his house were acres of untouched wilderness, where someone as adept at surviving as Mathias is wouldn't be found for weeks if he didn't want to be. "He.. ran off somewhere, into the woods."

Perhaps now they were lucky that they had had such a long and bloody history together, tracking down one another with hunting parties meant for creatures less sacred than them, that was something he remembered sharply about the days of bloodshed and war. Glancing up at Berwald's sharp face, Lukas felt a need to explain himself, feeling like he had gotten caught next to a pile of shards that was very obviously his fault.

"When we find Mat, don't be mad at him, I was the dumbass here," he huffed in a deep breath, almost unwilling to admit his hand in the affair. His gaze darted between the covered easel and marbled floor, guilt implicit in every shift of his weight from foot to foot. "My gift, it was a reminder of the wrong time, and he... didn't like it, to say the least."

Despite a thousand years, several unions, and the trials of growing up together, Lukas could still never truly read Berwald, and it was times like these when the skill seemed like it would've been a lifesaver against the deadpan face that the man was sporting, or even the palpable tension that could be cut with a knife. Giving the Swede one last remorseful look, Lukas put a hand on his elbow and sighed.

"C'mon, let's go look for him, okay?" 

It was rare, to say the least, seeing the distant male looking vaguely unsettled by his own hand. Quite sure that the gift in question had been a cruel jab as they were all prone to making at the expense of Danmark, he didn't question anything. With a low acknowledgement and a nod of his head, Berwald let his hand fall back to his side, spending a moment to look at the covered painting. "He's been gettin' more sensative'bout things lately." He offered, trying to help soothe the tension he could feel hanging taut in the air between them. It didn't do much, his meticulous gaze falling back to Lukas. "Probably ran off in'a straight line-... Doesnt think much when he's upset. That or he's thinkin' too much t'make decisions." He duly noted, absently kicking at the discarded keys on the marble ground.

Berwald didn't wait after Lukas' last question, turning towards the door to start out on the search. Reaching up to pull his glasses from their perch so he could properly pinch the bridge of his nose in thought. He hadn’t really been expecting all of this, and it worried him. Sure, the two had their differences, but it had boiled down to a relationship he couldn't quite describe. He couldn't imagine the things that went on in the Dane's head most of the time, but from what he did know... None of the things he did were to intentionally hurt them. He could see that now, Mathias was just misguided, thinking that he was the most capable person to keep them together. And how that backfired. 

Replacing his glasses, Berwald set off straight ahead into the woods. "Keep up, you're gonn'have to talk to him if we find him. He's not gonn'talk to me." He sternly noted, bending down through a limb heavy with disturbed pine needles, getting a good look at the imprint of a shoe going in roughly the same direction. Predictable, but it also meant this wasn’t a game of hide and seek so frivolously used to get attention. He would have at least made this difficult if he was feigning sorrows. "You gonn'be able to do that?" He asked lowly as he stepped past the mark in the dirt to continue onwards. 

Maybe never truly growing up was a symptom of the condition of their existence, the staple of... whatever they were, minds remaining as unaging as their bodies. Mathias embodied the unending love and enthusiasm of a child, spirit remaining unbroken through centuries of turmoil. Meanwhile, Lukas's suffering sharpened his tongue and reforged his soul into the aloof person he was today, world held at an arm's length so that it could never hurt him again. That, however, also meant that he loathed to talk about anything more emotional than semi-ironic cries for help disguised as funny memes on Reddit, and being forced to confront the consequences of his actions, the aftermath of acting on his inherently malicious nature? That was another crucible in it of itself. 

"...I can try," was what he settled on, following Berwald out into the forest almost in a daze, too busy reflecting on the intricacies of the personalities involved to even notice the signs of the Dane until they were pointed out to him. That half-promise was the best he could do, and all Lukas wanted was understanding from Berwald, so that perhaps he would be absolved from the self-flagellating guilt of refusing to fix what he himself broke.


	8. oof, its, sadder still

Lukas had owned this property for a very long time, from living on it long before land rights were even a distant thought to the settlers of his territory, to finally settling down there himself as he established his independence. That was a roundabout way to say that he knew the woods, felt it's bone-chilling silence in the winter, and grew amongst its birdsong in spring. Being the weakest of the three children wandering their frozen lands, Lukas learned to watch instead of strike, to whisper instead of yell, that was when he learned how to clear his head of emotions, knowing cold impassiveness to be the only way to keep your head above water as the tides threaten to drag you under. That was the skill he employed now, locking away every single shred of regret and fear and anger and the suffocating flood of guilt, rising steadily above his shoulders. 

"Ber," it pained him to ask for help like this, dragging Berwald to fix a hurt that he himself did not even inflict, but Lukas knew that every apology he made would be tripping and dazed, the two-headed calves of atonement, born to die under the harsh judgement of stars. "I think he misses us, Dan would appreciate your help, too."

It was then that his eyes caught sight of the trampled undergrowth, each bent blade telling tales of Mathias charging like an enraged bull in the proverbial china shop, racing towards his unknown destination. Not waiting for a reply from Berwald, Lukas swiftly followed the trail, ancient memories of running amongst the ice and trees resurfacing in his mind. 

The path led to a clearing, which in turn contained a lake, one almost familiar to Lukas, like a word you just can’t quite remember. Standing there, half-submerged, was Mathias, bright hair now sodden with lake water, his body so devoid of joy that Lukas almost didn’t recognize him. 

“Mat!” He barked before realizing every single word within his body had evaporated, leaving him armed with only with the echo of his voice ringing through the trees to confront his... best friend. 

Mathias, murmuring half-hearted apologies into the water even as Lukas called out to him. His name wrapped in the languid tone of a person he had looked to when times got hard and things felt unwinnable. Now all he heard was the hollow tone of someone forced to babysit a child they hated without being paid. His shoulders shook from the cold which amplified the trembles from self-contained sobs. There had always been a light at the end of the tunnel for him-...yeah, that's right now, wasn't it? It was only for him. It was always him... Instead of turning to greet him, to try and put on a façade to mask the grievous hurt he was feeling, he stood frozen in his spot not daring to turn to look at him in case that same look of disinterest that the Dane had unintentionally shackled him with. The years of suppression, of the others not living the ways they sought fit- did he ruin them? A strangled sound left his lips as he pulled his hands from his face, they too were wet except from the salty remnants of his tears and not the crystal clear lake that had him submerged up to his ribs.

For the moment, he wondered what exactly it would take to disappear at this moment, if the damage he did would slowly revert itself over time or if he had entirely ruined the group he had loved so long. If by trying to keep them safe, he had wandered down a path with no return. 

His name echoed in the open space, bouncing off the large trees that towered above them. It took him a long time to think of what he had to lose if he turned to face him- he could afford to let that last connection slip through his fingers and leave him alone. Again, he realized how selfish he sounded, even at this moment when Lukas had bore his own hurt...he was thinking about himself, how would things turn out for him. And so, he hesitantly lifted his head, but he didn't turn around, instead, he looked up to the sky as it was overcome with the brisk night sky. "I wish I could change things." he murmured just loud enough for it to rise above the icy breeze. His voice on the edge of breaking into tears again, cracking and with weight it rarely carried. He had thought all this time that he had faced his atonement. He supposed now that it was just the beginning, a long winding road that he would trek even if the destination wasn't forgiveness.

Berwald followed after, taking a much slower pace so that he wasn't intruding. As he broke the tree line and got a glimpse of Mathias, almost chest deep in the water he felt an undeniable twinge of remorse. It had been intentional, the avoidance he had with the Dane. He would miss gatherings, birthdays, celebrations as a form of punishment. A way to ease their relations further apart and send Mathias looking for someone, anyone else. He had just assumed the other would bounce back, forget about him and latch onto some other poor soul

It would be a cold day in hell when he admitted he was missing the big oaf too, but seeing him so utterly torn apart by their resolute dissociation brought him closer to it than he would have thought. He cleared his throat and came up to stand beside Lukas, giving him an encouraging little shove.

Hearing the pitiful mumble carry over the clear water to him, Lukas felt his entire world sharpen and contract, zeroing in on the only thing that mattered right now, Mathias, bent, repenting in a lake for sins that have long been pardoned. He stumbled forward at what Berwald would call a 'little shove', throwing him a dirty look before he understood what the Swede wanted him to do. Beginning to wade in, he ignored the crisp burn of freezing water on his skin, mind too focused on his goal of reaching out to Mathias to even notice the pinpricks of pain flashing across his body.


	9. theyre kicked on their asses and forced to get in touch with their emotions

"Mat, please," Looking back at Berwald, he jerked his head in the universal sign of 'please come help' in the general direction of the Dane, his incredible emotional investment in the moment not quite cancelling out his utter disquiet at being confronted with actual emotion. "C-can you look at me?"

Finally getting to where Mathias stood, Lukas reached out and gently laid a hand on the other's back, trying his best to ground him from whatever spiral he was devolving into. The gentle waves of the lake lapped at the hollow of his throat, the peaceful, almost idyllic background a stark contrast to the scene playing out within its depths. 

Now was not the time to hide his hand, obfuscating emotions and lashing out with needling words in search for a negative reaction, he needed to stop waiting for the world to come to him, and instead, to take action for once in his miserable life, so he doesn't ruin Mathias, the best person he knows, just to feed the petty spite that gnawed at him, telling him to ruin every beautiful thing until he couldn't bear to find beauty or love or joy in the world.

"Mathias Thorslund Køhler, you can't change things, and it's no use dwelling on things you cannot help," this was not an encouraging start. Drawing in a deep breath, lungs almost failing to expand due to the biting cold of the water, Lukas tried again. "and you don't need to change things. You are the best person I have ever met in my very long life, in fact, you're the only fucking person who pulled their heads out of their asses for long enough to care about people other than yourself."

He felt tears slowly gathering in his eyes, the familiar burn in the back of his throat muddling his words with the unmistakable sound of somebody about to cry. Bringing up a hand to quickly wipe at his face, Lukas continued, ignoring every sob and hitch of his voice that managed to suppress the defence mechanism he calls a monotone. 

“Please, Mat, I’m sorry. You’re not a horrible person or whatever, y-you’re the only reason I wake up some mornings, and the best fucking thing to have happened to us.” 

Perhaps that was a selfish way to comfort Mathias, but Lukas was a selfish creature. Attempting to choke down the lump in his throat and the moisture in his eyes, he coughed lightly, almost feeling like he was drowning, his lungs unable to draw oxygen from the very air he was breathing. There was nothing else for him to say, and all he could do was to let out a half-choked exhale. 

His touch seared into the tense muscles of his back, the steady pressure a quiet reminder. It was in that moment that he was not alone, not a lone figure standing starkly in a pool of his own misery. He wasn’t the only one coming to terms with the heartache that came with being so close for what felt like an eternity. Humans- his people, they were lucky to not have to experience the turmoil that came with living hundreds of years, all on a string that they couldn’t change. There were no erasers in the grand portrait of life, Lukas was right of course, but he couldn’t help think about the things that could have been if he had simply the restraint to allow himself to let go. The Norwegian’s voice was ultimately what pulled him out of his mournful thoughts, the wavering sound of Lukas so close to tears tore him away from his compilation of existence and the futility of caring for one another.

It was a few more seconds before he turned around and stared Lukas down with a voidless mask of emotions, seeming as though the roles had switched. The Dane now expressionless and Lukas wearing his heart on his sleeve. Tears still silently rolled from his cheeks, but he didn’t smile or crack a joke...Just swallowed the growing lump in his throat and tried his best to not bolt off again. His face looking unnaturally wrong without the exaggerated pull of his smile and the bright light reflecting in his eyes.

“Then..Why can’t I ever outrun it?” He asked in a low voice. “If I can’t change it, why can’t I just not look back? I- It’s all I ever think about. It’s why you all hate me.” his voice cracked and his emotionless mask chips, a hint of desperation crawling onto his features. “It’s why you are miserable, and- and…” he dropped his gaze back to the water and tightly sealed his lips together. It wasn’t right of him to spill all of this out like a petulant toddler, so he shut his mouth and dug his nails into the palms of his hands. “I just want everyone to be happy.” he finally added.

Sweden had been slowly making his way after the two, watching from afar and keeping a close eye on them so that things didn’t devolve into the mess that they usually did. His hardened gaze softening slightly as he watched the utter despair in his friend’s bodies. Denmark, how he had never thought Mathias would let them see him in such a pathetic mess. It drove him onward into the frigid waters, his long legs brushing through the serene pool on his way to them.

He caught the weepy words from them both, and he couldn’t keep just standing there. The three of them were practically brought into this world together. The hardships they faced when they were young built the foundations for their lives today. Without them- Sve figured he may have been lost too, vanished in the winds of history and left to be buried by the hostile winter snow. As he stood beside Lukas in the askew triangle they had once been accustomed to, he swept the both of them into a hug. His strong arms wrapping them up in a barrier that was unmoving. “Just shut’up and stop thinkin’so much.” he grumbled lowly. 

"Hurting yourself isn't going to make anyone happy," Choking back his tears, Lukas seemed to have wrestled back control from his emotions, that is, until he felt Berwald's arms wrapping around the two of them, bringing the three into a bear hug that they hadn't felt in centuries. When they were children, the three were as close as can be, often found in a huddling pile like litters of newborn kittens. As the years passed and the tensions between them grew, physical contact also grew more and more rare, until Lukas couldn't even remember when the last time they had all been embracing like this was. It only encouraged the waterworks, the tears he was so desperate to suppress finally slipping down his reddened face. 

Seeing the normally emotive Dane without the familiar grin stretching over his face was disquieting, it was only then that Lukas truly realized how dangerous he looked, perhaps it was a familial trait that he shared with Berwald, his grin hiding the power that lay behind it. Even more disquieting was how utterly vulnerable he felt, tears falling from his eyes, unable to control his emotions as if he was a child again, weeping in front of his oldest and truest friends, inconveniencing and hurting them with every half-thought out move meant to spite the only ones who cared about him. He didn’t even want to touch the misery comment with a ten-foot pole, had it really been that obvious? Mathias was not dumb, but he was willfully ignorant, and Lukas truly thought that he had buried his feeling under enough jokes to be brushed off, another fad to be bandwagoning on instead of genuine cries for help.


	10. theyre, a family

"Sve, tell the idiot that we don't hate him," His tears were impossible to deny now, his voice hitched with every word, but still he averted his gaze from either of them, too ashamed of his weakness to lay himself bare again. Being half-submerged in the lake finally sparked a memory, once long-lost, of their childhood. Lukas had fallen into the sea, surely for some idiotic reason, and as he sunk into the depths, the only thing he could see was the shock of bright hair diving after him. They had all saved each other, at one point or another in their long lives, being byproducts of their lives together just as much as they are shaped by history. "Don't let the bad outweigh the good. For every senseless war you have fought, there was a good deed you have done. Every ounce of suffering you have dealt us was with noble intent, and it’s too cold and wet here to attempt to discuss moral consequentialism, so don’t even try.”

Despite his flippant words, Lukas wrapped his arms around the two others, bringing them into a hug. This was not something he did often, too shackled by his own standoffish persona to embrace his family, but now, he had nothing to lose. All of his dignity became null when his nose reddened and his throat squeezed shut, leaving only petty emotion to run the vessel he calls his body. 

Berwald just squeezed his eyes shut, holding the two in an embrace so steeled that he hardly budged as Lukas wrapped his own arms around the dogpile. He propped his chin on the top of Mathias' head, trying to pull both of them closer as if being within the same space would allow them to share their grievances telepathically. He hummed softly and when he spoke, it lacked the usual harsh tone of depth and was softer. The same voice he used to carefully scold Peter, or softly shoo a wild animal back into the forest. "The past's not able t'be changed, brother. We may've been at war again't each other and fought tooth and nail for what we believed in, but we don'hate you." He mumbled. "I don'hate you, if i did... Would I be'here?" He lowly asked, giving them both a steady squeeze to their shoulders. He didn't want to leave this embrace, a familiar familial connection brought them all together, and in their own denial of this connection, it seemed to make it even stronger. A bundle of sticks could be even stronger than a tree trunk, more flexible and willing to bend- one weak twig still added to the overall strength of the bundle. That's what their family did, individually they were much weaker than together.

"Now, lets'get outta the water an'celebrate the rest of yer birthday'fore it's my turn." He softly noted, trying to coax Mathias out of the water as well as give Lukas time for him to pull himself together. He hesitantly lowered his arms so they weren't suffocated by his own guilt that hung over him like a spectral guillotine. Berwald placed his hands on either of their backs, still hanging close like they had in childhood. It was strange to realize that you had been missing something for centuries and you hadn't even realized it. He didn't cry, or stammer and blubber, he just sighed heavily with his head bowed slightly. It was as he started to part that another pair of arms wrapped around both Berwald and Lukas.


	11. its All Good Now :)

The Dane's arms desperately grasping on to the two people who had grown up with him. Who knew his flaws and who bolstered his perks. The men who had stood beside him day after day, through his stupid plans and bloody wars, they were still here and so was he. Lukas may be crying, Berwald might have been the first one to engage a hug, but it all felt so commonplace. Like this heart to heart took place just after a failed hunt or the loss of a village member. Back when they knew the people that wandered their lands... His own broken sob ran through him as he gave a soft nod. "I'm... I'm sorry, can we go back now? I think....I'm done." He mumbled quietly. "I shouldn't have run off-..." He didn't even make an attempt to pull himself back, settling on keeping his hug until the others decided it was time to pull away.

He was tired of being alone, and this moment however short helped him to realize that despite the standoffish nature of his companions he never really was. He felt like the one being saved, being pulled out of the depths of his own dangerous self-loathing by the people he thought had finally turned his backs on him. "Can I-... Can we stay the night?" He asked, raising his tired eyes up to meet both of them. "I mean- can we? I... I just-" he started, taking a ragged breath, mimicking the action from earlier as he bent forward, bumping his forehead against Lukas'. Soon enough Berwald joined their skewed triangle. "I just want to be together again for a night...." 

"You two are always welcome in my home," Lukas couldn't ignore the swell of emotion in his chest as they stood together, locked in an embrace that said everything that went unspoken for centuries. Nuzzling his face into the space between the two's chests, he almost wanted to cry harder than he already was, the protective feeling of his friends wrapped around him bringing back centuries of forgotten memories, feeling like home in a way only dusty recollections could. 

Finally, though, he took a step back and wiped at his eyes, trying his best to seem composed again. There was a chord of understanding between them now. Long ago, he had defined himself by the differences from his family, weak instead of strong, land to be fought over instead of warring empires, but what truly characterized them was their love for each other. Placing a hand on each of his companion's cheeks, Lukas spoke again, voice still weak from his earlier weeping. "Let's get inside before you two get colds for your birthday presents.". Perhaps now he was back to acting how he normally did, but his deadpan expression could not hide the red still dusting his face, or watery eyes that he even now was suppressing.

Weaselling into the space between Mathias and Berwald, Lukas nudged their arms slightly so that they would wrap around his shoulders, still unwilling to leave their comforting cradle. A version of himself from long ago would've been disgusted, filled with fear even, at the idea of so openly fraternizing with colonizers, too insecure in his own identity to consider loving others, nevermind himself, but the Lukas now felt nothing but love for the people around him, repressed sentimentality from long ago all bursting out of the crack in his emotional dam.  
Snaking his arms around their waists, he began to lead them out of the lake, adrenaline finally wearing off so that he could feel each lap of the icy water against his throat, then chest, then thighs. By the time they had gotten out, Lukas was positively shaking in his wet clothes, looking surprisingly reminiscent of a cat soaked to the bone. He moved even closer to the two, practically burrowing into their sides as he tried to leech off of their body heat. "Well, you two can stay if I don't freeze to death first," He mumbled, the cold tying his tongue into knots, sentence finally stuttered out after seconds of trying. Normally, he would be more used to the cold, but his thin frame was not ideal for insulating heat, and the chill bite of the water sunk its teeth to his flesh.

Mathias leaned heavily into the touch, his body finally coming back from the adrenaline rush of before and the feeling of frigid cold sank into his submerged legs. He shuddered and looked between the both of them. "Y'know... I just need to remember that I'm really lucky..." He started as Lukas pulled away to trudge back to shore, Berwald lingering a little longer beside him. "I've got the best group of friends outta anyone. Who has been together longer than us, huh?" He laughed, the warmth of his usual self fighting back against the sorrow filled blonde once in his place. He was tugged along with Lukas, Berwald in tow as well as they all stepped back to shore and the wind snapped against their freezing clothing.

Berwald reached out to heavily place a hand on the Dane's head, ruffling his hair in a playful manner. "You're really an'idiot aren't ya?" He asked with a brow raising above the frame of his square glasses. "Doesn't matter how long we've known each'other." He huffed and shook his head, giving Mat a light shove to his head as he offered him a slight smirk.

"Let's all go get changed before Norge here turns to ice." Mathias laughed and unlaced himself from Lukas, a mischievous look to him as he ducked down and yanked Lukas up over his shoulder. "Haha! I'll get you back home 'fore ya freeze to death Lu! And I betcha we can beat Big Bear back too." He snorted, already having started jogging back into the woods through his previous trail. He huffed and puffed, cold blasts of condensation floating in front of his mouth as he darted into the trees.

Berwald blinked as they swiftly left him standing there somewhat awkwardly. Well... At least Danmark was acting like himself again. He thought as he slowly trailed after them. He took his time, listening to the muffled laughs from Mathias as he ducked through the trees and over other foliage.


	12. oof,,,  honest emotional love confession time

Yelping at the suddenness of being picked up, Lukas went as limp as a doll, content in the idea of not having to move a muscle. All the emotion and turmoil of the night left him drained and sleepy, but most of all, cold. He tried to snuggle up against Mathias in the least embarrassing way possible, still attempting to draw warmth from the Dane. 

"C'mon Berwald, keep up and show Dan who's the better birthday boy," He called lazily, happy to just be stirring up meaningless drama again. As the trees passed by, and the birds flew overhead, Lukas's mind wandered back to what had started the night. It had seemed so long ago, but Mathias dropped a rather big 'emotions jam' bomb on him via text, which frankly should be a crime. Now would be a good time to bring it up, with the Swede far enough behind them to not hear sensitive topics of discussion. While Lukas himself is emotionally avoidant, Mathias is on a whole other level of willful ignorance, to the point where he knew the topic would never be spoken of again if they didn't discuss it right now. 

Reaching up, Lukas did what he always does when he wants the Dane's attention, he lightly assaulted him. "Hey, Danevang," Tugging on the other's earlobe, Lukas realized that he absolutely did not have a plan for this conversation, and now that he had engaged it, there was nothing to do but just pray for it to go perfectly. "Remember what you said in the chatroom?"

The was very vague, so he attempted to further elaborate. "Y'know, about," He waved his hand in a circle in the air, deciding to focus on the beads of water dripping from his fingers instead of looking anywhere near Mathias, "The thing. That you said." it really didn't explain much, but Lukas hoped that it filled in enough gaps to the point where the Dane would pick up on what he was saying. It was a shame, they had dealt with it so well in the chatroom, and Lukas was always more eloquent in text than in person, but this was what needed to happen, a face-to-face confrontation neither of them could feasibly run from. "I want to talk about it. Properly. Right now."

That thought had hit Mathias out of nowhere and he practically ran straight into a tree in a distraught daze. "Right now!?" He gaped, brushing his shoulder against a tree trunk in his attempt to shake the shock that flew in with the practical demand for answers "Like- right now, right now?" He slowed his pace and craned his neck to try and get a better look at Lukas. His thought process was entirely accurate, he honestly had forgotten he had written any of that at all after his emotional breakdown that had been brewing since before he even arrived on Lukas' stoop anyways. Ducking beneath a low hanging branch that drew limbs over the both of them like angled witchy fingers, he took a moment to gather his bearings. "Um... Yeah, sure? I mean, how do you properly talk about something like that Lu? Do ya need me to spell it all out in black and white? I'll write it in the damn sky if I have to. You want a song written?" He smiled tiredly and gave his back a hardy pat.

"I like you, Lukas. More than like, but I don't know really how to put it into words... You know that feeling you get when ya sit down next to a campfire and it's almost too hot, but you know if you scoot back any further then it'll be too cold and dark? That you feel safe wrapped up in that little blip of a miniature sun that you sit just a breath away from, wild and graceful... Unpredictable. You're that campfire. Sure I get a little singed now and then, but it's worth it." He laughed softly and tried to get a glimpse of the sky through the foliage. "Gods, I sound like such a big dumb idiot, but I mean it." He snorted and broke out from the trees, holding onto the small victory that he had beat Berwald- trying to smooth over the battling butterflies that were frenzying into a tornado in his gut with any others thought beside love confessions.

"I... I'm sorry that I dumped that all out, it was stupid of me, and I shouldn't have let Alfred goad me into saying something cause now I've fucked everything up again." He sighed and shook his head, but still retained his dorky grin. "You can hit me if you want Lu, I probably deserve it." He laughed and crouched down so he could gently get Lukas back onto his own two feet again. Once he did so, he stretched back to his own and scratched the back of his head. "I bet you're regretting wearing so many layers." He teased with a light tap to his t-shirt. "You're about twice as heavy soaking wet."

Lukas untied the soaked flannel from around his waist and draped it around his shoulders, the cold and wet fabric not warming him up in the slightest, but the weight was a comforting presence, grounding him to his body. What do you say to someone after they say something like that about you? His gaze dropped to the ground, mind searching for words to say. The grass was just starting to grow now, bright green buds sprouting in May. Spring always hit him later than the others. Maybe that was why he was so surprised at being compared to a fire. Lukas had always thought that he was cold, like the insidious chill that sinks into every pore of your body, impossible to get rid of while leaving you shaking and miserable, necrotically rotting away at body parts. 

Sticking his hands in his jeans, Lukas tried to search his mind for anything to say back, painfully aware of the ticking time bomb that was Berwald, probably hot on their heels. As close as the three of them were, he was still sure that this conversation ought to stay private. He chewed on his lip, practically feeling the anxious energy emanating from the two of them. What was he supposed to say? 'Thanks, you too?' or maybe 'Wow, that's awfully nice of you'. Somehow, neither of the options sounded particularly good.

"Nice topic change," Was what he settled on instead, trying desperately to buy himself time to dust off the old 'emotional centre' of his brain, still rusty even after the earlier tearfest. He hopped onto the rickety old porch banister, feeling just a bit more confident at the change in height, finally being able to look Mathias in the eyes without craning his head. However, he clearly wasn't going to do that, instead, he turned his head to face the Dane, but his eyes were staring unfocused at the forest right above the other's right shoulder. He felt strangely calm now, like he had passed so far into the realm of panic that now, no such emotion registered for him.

Sighing, Lukas accepted his fate, now was the time to spit out whatever he was thinking or regret it forever, a clear divergence in the path of fate. A cloud passed over the moon, impartially gazing down at them from his place in the sky, reminding him how little time they had left before their own private moment was shattered. "Mat, I cannot express to you what I feel. I mean, I… like you too, I think. You are amazing, the centre of an entire galaxy, the star in your own dance of heavenly celestialism. You're... so much, grand, larger than life, a frozen moment of triumphant glory in a bloody battle. I.. could go on.” it was embarrassing, how fast his emotionless façade unwound, each syllable like a snipped thread, unravelling the words that had been once tightly bound away. “And above all that, you are just a _good person _. I’ve been… so shitty to you, and still, you forgive me and bounce back with a smile on your face.” Hands curling tighter around the old wood, he could feel jagged splinters digging into his palms.__

__“But, I just,” Lukas sighed, dropping his gaze to his lap, he dared to play chicken with the roiling emotions within him, and he had lost. The lowered gaze not only an admission of submission, but of defeat as well. “I don’t know.” To be cliche would for him to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, but to him, it was nothing but the truth. If Mathias was a star, bringing light to all those around him, then Lukas would be a black hole, drawing the Dane forever closer to his event horizon, draining his glow and still being inescapable, a harbinger of entropy. No matter his own feelings on the matter, Lukas knew that he would never even dream of subjecting Mathias to the experience of truly knowing him._ _


	13. mat threatens to strip

Mathias was sure he should feel disappointed, the hint of some sort of desperate tug of war ended not through sheer force of will, but by the other fruitlessly giving up. Only to send them both sprawling to the ground instead of a glorious victory or gracious loss. But he didn’t, just the fact that Lukas said all of that about him specifically made his smile remain plastered to his face if only a little gentler. The man just took a long, deep breath, which he held for a solid 10 seconds before he managed to release it and swing himself up onto the porch which creaked in protest at his weight as he put both of his arms on the rail. Propping himself up so he could stare out at the sky with a soft hum. “Thanks, Lukas… I know it’s not easy to say. I mean… I’ve been skirting around it forever.” he chuckled and tilted his head to the side, like a dog getting a better angle on a sound. “But if it makes you feel better… I’ll wait for ya. You don’t have to rush.” he chuckled and glanced to the treeline just as Berwald slipped out from between the branches. It was a lot of nice things for Lukas to say to him at once, whether it be simply from pity or entirely genuine… he couldn’t care less, and so he decided to just leave it at that, a friendly offer- more than a friendly offer- that he would leave out there for Lukas despite everything. Maybe one day he would take it.

“Ah, look who finally made it, ya slowpoke!” he called out, transitioning easily away from the topic he truly didn’t know how to handle into one much more familiar. All the centuries he’d lived and still love and adoration were such a foreign thing, foreign in the sense of mutual understanding. It always felt one-directional, but he was starting to see that maybe he was looking at it the wrong way this entire time. “I told ya we’d beat you, what did you do? Take a detour to the islands?” he snorted and pushed himself back from the railing, avoiding eye contact with Lukas as he went to go stand at the edge of the steps. It was as if a younger image of the Dane had superimposed itself over the dreary weeping man and he leaped down off the steps to rush the Swedish man. He threw himself at Sve in a tackle, laughing as he practically pushed him down to the ground. His clothes sopping wet as he wrapped his arms around Berwald in a choke hold and grinned mercilessly. “Come on big bear- or should I call you papa bear now since you’ve got kiddo- oooOOOp”

As quickly as Mathias had launched himself onto Berwald, he was flipped over the other’s back and in a choke hold off his own. “You’re rusty.” Berwald teased, shaking his head with the most minuscule smirk that ever existed. Some would call it a myth. He rolled his eyes and looked to where Lukas had perched himself on the railing. “So who won, you or him?” he asked playfully. “Cause’as m’seeing it, you’re on the porch and he’s over here.”

“Hey, no fair! Of course I won- Lukas and I were on a team!”

“So two against one then?” Berwald added, tilting his head to the side and releasing his hold on the Dane, who immediately bounced back up, hands on his hips. “No not two against one! I was carrying him- you had an advantage and you still lost!”

“Who's sayin’ I lost?”

“I am!” Mathias childishly countered… and so their little argument continued on as they made their way back to the house.

"Hey, be nice to your brother," With the arrival of Berwald, the barometric pressure of the area seemed to stabilize, heavy air suddenly beginning to be breathable, the breeze that had been very politely staying still for their conversation now sent stray hairs flying. This was navigable ground, Lukas had dealt with the brothers' various spats and wars since literally the dawn of their births, having been the shiny territory fought over for many years after as well. There was practically no skill he was more adept at than needling them on, while still being viewed as the 'voice of reason', as was one of the many perks for being subdued. "But boys, calm down. I'm sure that we can all agree that I'm the one who won. This being my land and house and all. Technically, I was here before the race even began."

There was a shift in the relationship between him and Mathias now. He felt the change click into place, like a strange new gear that got put into a clock that worked perfectly well in the first place. As always, there was regret, Lukas could always say that he was protecting Mathias from his own horrible influence, spreading like a plague over all those he loves, but he knows that his own cowardice led the charge against any change in the paradigm they had been following for a thousand years. Maybe it was self-sabotage, a desperate attempt to continue wallowing in his misery, he had always derived an odd joy from melancholy. Either way, he was infinitely grateful for Mathias's offer of waiting, like a weight he hadn't even known was there had been lifted off his chest.

Lukas twisted around and lifted his legs over the fence surrounding the porch, hopping off in a smooth motion that says 'I have improperly sat on many walls before in order to look cool'. Breaking into an ambling gait, he tried his best to arrive at his door first without looking like he was indeed trying too hard. He had forgotten to lock it during the whole fiasco earlier. It was almost a miracle that he managed to remember to close it at all. The lack of home security would worry him if he lived in a high-crime, or 'literally any person within the next few kilometres' area, however, the ease of entry only made it easier for him to slip in. Clad in dripping clothes and soggy shoes, Lukas had no right to deny anyone entry to his house, however, he is a bastard, so he did so anyway.

"You two degenerates aren't getting my house dirty, birthday boys or not. Either clean off or I'll hose you off.” The signature Bondevik charm was now out in full force. Lukas’s deadpan expression and unwavering monotone placing that sentence somewhere in the grey area between a semi-ironic joke and a full-hearted threat. Peering out from the door, the sheer amount of schadenfreude present in his eyes made very clear how much he would prefer the second option. It seemed as though he had already compartmentalized the earlier confrontations, leaving the feelings it stirred up to be sealed away in a box in his head, probably never being acknowledged again along with every other emotion he had ever repressed in the past thousand years. 

"But- Lukas! You're wet and d-dirty too! Come on, it's c-c-cold out here!" Mathias complained on the other side of the door, and he wasn't lying... Norway had made the point earlier that the Dane was used to much milder weather, and it was finally starting to sink into him as his body shook with each blast of wind. So much for attempting to stand cool and collected like Berwald beside him, who was currently looking for someplace to change his clothes. "What-t dd-o I need to do, go take an-nother dip in the lake? I'll strip out here!" He threatened, trying to peek into the nearby window to see if he was just standing there smirking like the cat that ate the Canary.

"I'm sure'thats exactly what'll let ya in Mat." Berwald hummed as he stepped from the porch to head to his car. "Com'on, I've got spares." He noted in his rough deep voice, even as he tugged off his own shirt on the way to his slick car that made Mathias' look even more comical.


	14. magical girl transformation into a business man

"Ah fuck man, for once you're an actual lifesaver." He laughed as he jogged after him, stifling a sneeze as the cold air bit at his nose. Berwald simply ignored him, popping open the trunk with his keys and bending inside. It was like a magic trick, seeing a good portion of this large man disappear into the back of his car like he was swallowed up in a single gulp. Raising back out of it, he tossed Mathias a pair of grey slacks and a navy button-down that was clearly Berwald's size. "They should fit'ya, just don't go runnin'round. No one wants'ta see your bare ass." He tsked and stepped to the other side of his car to change.

"No one wants to see your bare ass," he mimicked with his nose twisted up, sticking out his tongue afterwards. "My ass is a national treasure, leave it out of the discussion papa bear." He huffed and shucked his frigid cold clothes right there so he could dawn the spares. They were too big, hanging off his body just enough to make it look weird, and he had to roll up the bottom of the pants so they did not drag in the mud, but upon first glance, he didn't look half bad.

Berwald finished up changing as well and Mathias caught his gaze a challenging smirk to his lips. "Mat- I told'ya not ta-" and the Dane was off, holding the waist of the pants up like a younger sibling in hand-me-downs still just a smidge too big to be functional. Berwald just simply sighed and jogged after him, who was he to ruin the fun? 

Lukas stuck his head out of the door again, a sour pout on his face as he realized that the two had actually changed, which left him as the sole person still clad in cold, lakewater-soaked clothes. "I didn't think you'd have spares, thanks Ber," he grumbled, kicking open the door to let the two in. "Fine, you two make yourselves at home," gesturing vaguely at the sprawling mass of halls and rooms that split from the foyer, he took off his shoes by the door, making a mental note to put them out to dry later, "while I go change. Don't steal my shit." With that, he scurried up the stairs, practically dragging himself up by the banisters. 

If you had thought that his previous outfit was aesthetically and generally confusing, his new one would not be more comforting, as it seemed to strike the same 'every item is wild when paired with each other' theme that Lukas was very adept at wearing. He hopped down the stairs in what appeared to be his pyjamas, with wonderfully dry looking big woollen socks, a ratty oversized band-tee that looks far too old for its actual age and a pair of bell-bottomed flannel pyjama pants that is quite possibly actually from the 70s.

"By the way, Mat, you look dumb. Ber, you look fresh as hell." That judgement was horribly hypocritical considering the menagerie of outfits he himself had worn today, but that's what happens when you have endless confidence in the art of 'saying whatever the fuck you want'. One thing he was endlessly glad for was his foresight in covering the offending painting, the easel still having a grand place of honour in the room, although covered with the drab piece of grey industrial cloth. Deciding that it probably would be better for them to not be in the same room as a gift that caused a mental breakdown and subsequent scene, Lukas turned towards the guest wing, beckoning the two over as he pushed open the door. 

"Since I've promised my house to you two for a night, and since we have another birthday to celebrate next morning, here are your lodgings." The guest wing was slightly more clean than the rest of the house, no peeling wallpaper or cracked window sills, like stepping back into how the house was decades ago when its sole inhabitant had far more energy to care for it. Although dusty, the wing could be described as almost homely, with rooms set aside for each member of their little family, and a hastily scrawled 'Peter' on one of the other spare rooms. "If you want to stop looking like a clown, Mat, there are also my spare clothes in some of the closets.” Of course, he didn’t give him the liberty of knowing that all of the clothes were terrible impulse buys from Hot Topic, too expensive for their horrible quality, and that Lukas had cast them out to banishment in the least-used part of the home out of sheer shame. Like if humanity's only crime in Eden was being an ugly and horrible exercise in retail therapy.

Berwald didn't say much, just gave Lukas a slight nod as he swept himself in just behind Mat who stumbled in before him. "It's not my fault Berwald is basically just a giant!" he huffed and stuck out his tongue as he skidded across the floors from the legs of his borrowed pants coming undone. "I can't believe you'd compliment him- he looks like he just got off his accounting job." Berwald grunted out a displeased response, murmuring something about how Mathias was currently in the same clothes as him.

"Okay, so my only options are looking like a dad home from golf after lunch or...Like some guy who doesn't know what shirt sizes are? Sweet- can I just go get my wet clothes for now?" he groaned, his eyes glancing over the easel as they past. Fingers twitching in restraint to hold back from throwing it out the front door and into the mud. He couldn't help the unease that bubbled up from his gut and only managed to stop because Berwald placed a hand on his shoulder and ushered him onwards. "So like, you're not going to hang out with us at all then Lukas? you're just going to stick us in your guest rooms?" Mathias peeked past the Swede curiously and hurried forwards to match pace with him.

He took a moment, deciding that asking was stupid and grinned. "Never mind, it's all good. Let me just go and try to find something that fits." he chuckled and ducked into one of the rooms, Leaving the other two alone for the moment.


	15. lukas is single handedly keeping hot topic afloat

"So, what'd you talk'ta him'bout?" Sve asked as he carefully shut the door behind Mathias and looked to Lukas after a quiet moment. "He seems pretty back'ta normal in any case," he noted and sighed, deciding to not bring up the fact that he had seen Mat staring down the covered easel like it contained the plague. He'd save it for another time, or just go exploring a little later once the Dane was asleep.

"Nothing, we talked about nothing and just sat there in silence until you arrived." A pretty bold-faced lie, but Lukas stared in defiance into Berwald's eyes, daring him to call him out. After a beat passed, he looked away again, arms crossing over one another. "Besides, maybe our lake pep-talk was all he needed. Mat bounces back fast."

Turning and leaning back against the wall, he tried to change the topic once again, shifting slightly on his feet. "Anyways, it's not all just about him y'know. Your birthday is coming up pretty soon too, bud," His gaze darted towards the grandfather clock at the very end of the hall, it was old, but apparently still functional as it ticked away. "D'you have any plans? Regrets? Wishes?" The yawn interrupting the middle of his sentence was a clear sign that Lukas was tired, but he continued to speak, even as his head lulled and body weight leaned more and more against the wall. "Dan and I can't be the only old bastards that reminisce about the past too much, right?" 

He was rambling now and he knew it, his normal tight-lipped nature being loosened up by what he would like to blame as the shock of the cold and sleep deprivation, but what was probably nostalgia and the feeling of finally being together with your family. "How're the kids doin'? The wife? Feels kinda shitty stealing you away from them for your birthday, but," seeing as how he already committed to the 'suburban dad speaks to other suburban dad' script, Lukas reached up to give a weak punch to Berwald's arm. "I'm pretty sure Dan and I literally remember when you were born, so, we get dibs." 

"Sure.. nothing..." Berwald sighed in response to the question of their talk, that was enough to let him know that there was no way in his lifetime that he would know what they talked about. He'd only get to ponder the question as he waited for them to spill the beans- he'd probably get it from Mathias if he pressured enough. His gaze drawn as Lukas yawned, he hummed at the question and leaned up against the wall. "Regrets? No. Plans.... m'not sure, you pulled me out here rather late.... And wishes?" he sighed and closed his eyes, thinking about what he could possibly want out of everything. "Not sure about that'one either, Norge.

He answered quietly, taking the time to let their strange conversation unfurl. “Peter's himself, an' I'm thinking Tino's been need'n his space recently...So it's fine, they won't miss me." his thoughts were interrupted as Mathias peeked his head out the door. "Lukas, you've got to be kidding me with this stuff. Half of these shirts and shirt are too small for you! And what is this!?" he held out some crop top shirt that instead of just being cut above the midriff like a normal one, devolved into some sort of lacey mesh that dangled to mid-thigh. "Is this some sort of weird lingerie, cause I'm not dressing up in this stuff! I look dumb!" He whined, slipping out enough so that the skin-tight black t-shirt with some sort of indistinguishable logo splashed across the front was visible. It was plastered to him and had some awkward metal studs that caught the light. Striped grey and black sweatpants with red accents that were supposed to hang off the hips, left little to the imagination on Mathias's frame. "This was like some of the only normal stuff I could find and I still look nuts!" he huffed, holding the weird lace thing in front of him to block some of himself from view.

Berwald couldn't hold back the snicker that escaped him and Mathias immediately turned red. "Berwald so help me- I'll stuff you in this!" he held up the shirt indignantly and Berwald couldn't hold back the deep laughter that spilled from his lips. "This is a good birthday gift." he finally managed to spill out.


	16. bullying mat pt 2

A hand came up to cover his mouth as Lukas burst into giggles as well, his laughter being every bit as mocking as it was caring. "Sorry you don't know what good fashion is, I should wear things like this more." Straightening up, he basked in Berwald's amusement, seeing the normally stoic man's joy as a personal testament to his great hosting skills. His hand reached out to tug at the shirt, fingers dancing over the sharp metal studs. "Honestly, you don't look half bad. I would say this is an improvement over what you normally wear, right, Ber?"

Lukas would be the first to admit that seeing Mathias in his clothes felt comically wrong. His mirthful blue eyes seemed out of place when compared to the harsh reds of sweatpants, and that's to say nothing of his bright hair, almost feeling like it shined more than the metal pieces haphazardly sewn into his shirt. Peeking into the room, Lukas felt his eyebrows rise. There were some pieces of clothing that made him question his own sanity, having even spent his money on those tulle, lace, and mesh abominations. Drawing his head back out, he slammed the door shut. There is going to be no more shaming of his fashion sense tonight, not if he had anything to say about it. 

"Anyways," He tugged the lace monstrosity out of Mathias's hands and slung it over his shoulder, feeling a strange protectiveness over it. It may be an abomination, but it was his abomination. "Do you guys want a house tour? Any activities you would like to do?" The easy atmosphere between them faltered on teetering legs and collapsed, Lukas's awkward words being it's death knell. He felt strangely like a suburban mom right now, hosting guests so separated from his world, intruders in his own kingdom of habitual solitude. His eyes darted between the two as he shifted on his feet, the roles of host and friend fitting uncomfortably on his body, like a false skin stretched over his own.

Mathias uncomfortably looked back to the door where Berwald's dad clothes were now trapped. The slam of the door having a strange finality to it. "I look like I've never seen clothes before..." Mathias grumbled and tugged the shirt down as far as it would go. It felt like he was slowly being suffocated as the two of them mercilessly mocked the mess of clothing plastered to him "But at least I know why you take so long to get dressed now. There's a shit-ton of clothes in there, it's like going to the store to get one outfit. I think I have like...6 shirts at home." He huffed and crossed his arms across his chest to hide as much as physically possible from them.

Berwald was just finally getting over his laughter as Lukas tugged the lacey shirt out from Mathias's confused grip. He reached up and ran a finger under his eyes to sweep away any liquid daring to hang in the water well of his lids. "Definitely n'mprovement" he sighed out and placed a hand on the Dane's shoulder. "Betch'er wishin' you hadn't complained." He teased and looked back to Lukas with a faint smile.

Mathias shooed the hand off his shoulder and awkwardly ducked beneath Berwald's arm, striding to put some distance between the room of confusing clothing and himself. "What do you want to do Lu? Cause I mean... We could just get to bed s'getting late." He hummed, turning back to smile at them. The black shirt already riding up slightly to the point where he was habitually trying to tug it down. He'd rather be bare-ass naked at this point- there would be less to make fun of. "But I think a house tour would be fun- or a movie? Do y'have anything we could watch?" He asked, that comfortable smile spreading across his face as he eased back into things and forgot how ridiculous he felt. 

Berwald hummed and looked around the guest quarters. "Don' think you've ever shown me the place." He interjected. "But it's up t'you. Dan s'right. It's late." He noted. 

A house tour. Lukas was slightly starting to regret his offer now, his lodgings looked dilapidated enough in the most livable wings of his house, but some parts looked almost abandoned, he couldn't imagine what his friends would say if they saw it, probably some disgusting pitying platitude. However, he had already put out the offer, and Berwald seemed interested enough in it. Chewing his lip, Lukas flipped the hair out of his eyes and sighed, so be it then, they've certainly seen his house in worse conditions, back when he was a starving territory under their heels. "The fact that you don't have clothes is why you always look buttfuck ugly, Mat," He shook the lacey shirt at Mathias in some sort of a threatening motion, like how one would shake a can full of pennies at a misbehaving dog. "Don't tug it down, it's supposed to be an intentional unintentional ironic parody of mid-2000s MySpace culture by contrasting it with it's inherently diametrically opposed culture of prepism as a critique of the way society creates scapegoat groups to fight against. You're ruining the art." The executives at Hot Topic probably weren't thinking about the deeper meanings of making a shirt so small it constantly rode up, but Lukas liked to draw his own conclusions. It made him feel smart, and like he was actually doing something to combat the concepts in the world.


	17. these bastards,,, rlly cant be normal for more than 2 seconds huh

"Anyways!" He clapped his hands together in a way that he's seen hosts do on television, turning sharply on his heel. "House tour." Opening the doors to the wing again, he slipped out, gesturing for the person last through the door to close it behind them. The least 'drug den' part in the sprawling house was his own living quarters, those being the spaces he inhabited each day, and despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he was a neat freak in his own spaces, actually cleaning up when he had the energy to. Stepping back up the winding stairs as fast as possible, still taking great care to avoid the easel in the foyer. He glanced back at the two following him, trying to gauge their general judgement of his house, still unable to stifle a giggle as he saw Mathias's outfit again. 

"Uh, here's my living area," The door at the end of the staircase led to another long hallway -it seemed like whoever designed the house really adored long murder hallways- that led to a den, relatively clean, with not much in it but a rug, a complicated   
looking gaming rig, and another couch. What could he say, he was very fond of draping himself dramatically over furniture. Another door led off the den, that being the door to Lukas’s own room, if the almost too ostentatious ‘keep out’ and ‘caution’ signs were any indication. 

"Sorry! I'm not used to feeling like a tube of toothpaste!" Mathias's hands quickly jumped from the shirt and he groaned at the long explanation that was probably just another way of saying- ‘hey this is punishment for dumping your feelings on me, look like an idiot and enjoy it.’ Huffing as he trailed his fingers along a wall dusted with the grime and wear of never being cleaned as Lukas led them up the stairs, past the painting where he felt like he could feel those stares. The stares of disinterest and distrust...of anger and blame- 

He was drawn out of his stupor when Berwald squeezed his shoulder and ushered him forwards, a knowing look hidden behind his stern gaze. Each step feeling like a thousand cinder blocks were strapped to each foot, ready to be cast into a river by the same look Lukas wore in that portrait. Mathias wasn't paying attention to the rooms, or the rig, just the way that Lukas introduced each thing, so distanced from actually caring and try as he might, he couldn't resist trying to pull down the shirt. Mathias exhaled and offered Lukas a wide smile "You sure like the computer Lu, No wonder we never get to see ya." he chuckled and fidgeted with the hem of the shirt, wanting so desperately to just go back to the room to sleep instead of forcing him to parade around his house. He had chuckled at the signs, stepping forward to glance at them with a childish gleam to his eyes. "Is everyone supposed to keep out? Like, twenty-four seven? Cause then you can't go in either Lu." he teased playfully.

"It's so you keep your grubby hands off of his stuff." Sve hummed lowly and shook his head. To which Mathias immediately withdrew his hands from the sign and laughed weakly "Ha, yeah... probably." he hummed and folded his hands quickly into the waistband of those accursed sweatpants that were almost way too tight. Berwald shook his head and took a quick breath, realizing maybe that was still a sore spot after the strenuous night. he cleared his throat and looked to Lukas, giving him a curt nod to go ahead. Mathias interrupted before the door could open. "You don't have to show us- I mean, I could just go back to my room?" 

"Whatever, it's not like I have a murder victim in there," His perfect deadpan did not quite really indicate if he actually did indeed have a victim in his room, but the swinging door revealed nothing but a normal, if slightly depressing room. The wasted hours spent there almost seemed to slither out, every day being measured in cans of energy drinks strewn across various surfaces, garbage bags littering the floor, each one half-filled with... even more energy drinks and clothes Lukas was too lazy to wash. "The computer is the only reason we get to talk most of the time, the 700 kilometres separating us is what keeps you from seeing me." Finally noticing -or caring- about Mathias's discomfort in the too-small clothes, he huffed and went to his own closet, filled with.. slightly more acceptable articles of clothing, rifling through it until he held up a sweater around the Dane's size. It was black, because of course it was, and looked relatively normal, until it reached navel length, upon which it looked like it had gotten thrown into a woodchipper, with unravelling thick wool and chunky holes. Without even offering it to the Dane first, Lukas reached up on his tiptoes and pulled it half-heartedly over his head before turning and leaving the rest of the act of dressing to him.


	18. the end, until it isnt :)

"Sve's right, y'know, can't have you two big empires steal my hard-earned oil money," Throwing up exaggerated jazz hands around the words 'empires', the room's temperature seemed to drop by a few degrees, chill creeping into his joking tone. Lukas hunched his shoulders, he could almost feel the pitying gazes that were probably crawling all around his room right now. If rooms were a reflection of their owner, then he knew that what was staring back at him from the mirror was pathetic, proof that he shouldn't have been allowed to be independent, too weak to take care of even himself. "There's not much else to see," Stalking out of the room, Lukas took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. The night had been hectic enough, and now was not the time to cause a scene. "I think Mat was right, movie night sounds better."

Mathias blanked, looking down at the sweater, not quite understanding why Lukas was holding onto this trash- it looked like someone had eaten the bottom half of it, but he was still grateful to be able to tug it down over the disaster below. Running his fingers experimentally over the strangely torn bottom. "Thanks." He bit back himself from making fun of it, seeing as he'd already been snapped at enough, and glanced inside the room his heart sinking at the mess piled up. Lukas was so much better than this, and another pang of guilt gnawed at his gut, a never-ending chorus of You destroyed him, look at what your greed cost, do you never learn? echoing in his head.

Mathias was silent, his eyes downcast at the ‘empires’ remark. Maybe he had been too eager- maybe things weren't being pieced back together slowly, a priceless vase having shattered long ago worthless and ugly as someone tried to glue it back together. Tipping his head back, his lips pulled in a strained sweep of air and he let his hands rest on his hips before evenly breathing out the slowly building feelings that had started to resurface. He could practically feel the icy emotions lapping at his feet, a flash of those eyes again and he had turned around, quickly brushing past the other two on the way 

Berwald didn't know what to say, it was... Tense in the simplest form of the word, and as Mathias exited, more than happy to leave, Berwald looked to Lukas with a wary glance. "M'sorry... Didn't realize it'd be... Like this." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, honestly he'd thought that the two of them had sorted things out, but by the way things were going now-..."maybe's best if we just get some shut-eye." He noted quietly, fingers lacing through his hair in an attempt to free some of his pent up thoughts. There was an underlying issue here, one he wasn't aware of, and he felt at a disadvantage. "You've had a long day too. Maybe it's for the best."

"Great," Another biting word, practically spat out through the veil of gracious hosting. Lukas knew that it was wrong, rude of him to speak like this to guests, and downright cruel for him to snap at his friends, but another part wanted to lash out, to hurt as many people as possible so that they could finally listen to his words. "I'm tired too. Let's all go to bed then."

Without waiting for a response, he slammed the door shut, even flinching back himself at the unexpected force of it. The frame rattled, the wood floor groaned, and he swore that the crack in the corner of his room grew just a bit further. This was all a petty tantrum, he knew that, but there was so much fighting within him and he could not understand any of it. The wild beast of anger tore flesh from his heart, while some strange shame melted away at his bones. Some part of him wanted to sit against the wall to howl and tear at his hair, like a wounded animal begging for help. Other parts wanted to sit and stare at his phone, numbing himself to all but the satisfaction of consuming other people's emotions for seconds of entertainment.

He did none of these things. Instead, Lukas just sat down on his bed and sighed. Try as they might, the centuries of bad blood between the three of them poisoned their interactions. Their past selves burnt bridges that they had not crossed, and now, they were standing in the flames. Lying down, he closed his eyes, too exhausted to even turn off the lights. Above him, a moth threw itself against the flickering bulb.

Retracing his steps back towards the guest quarters, Berwald sighed, glancing over the long-standing home of his Norwegian companion. Only his own echoing steps seemed to greet him as he wound his way down the grand steps now laced with dust. The drawn cloth pulled over the so-called gift a bright white that reflected what light filtered in. He hummed, curiosity firing off in his head as he cautiously stepped forwards, long well-worked digits grasping the bottom edge before he carefully pulled it up over the canvas, revealing the dismal features of the group beneath. Taking a sharp intake of breath, Berwald glanced over each face, realizing exactly what had set Mathias off to start with. The smeared remnants of Mathias's own portrait left the painting looking unfinished, Berwald wondered if maybe that was intentional… but put it to the back of his mind for now.

Replacing the sheet back over the painting, he shook his head and carefully lifted it from the easel, placing it face down against the wall. He'd have to say something to Lukas later, when tensions cooled and Mathias wasn't such a time bomb.

He slowly made his way to his room, so generously given and he settled into bed. In the room adjacent, Mathias lay sprawled across the bed on top of disregarded clothing. Wrapped up in the trash Lukas had deemed unworthy, a strange familiarness washing over him as he held the amalgamation of fabrics and designs close, maybe he belonged in this room filled with items too weird, too offensive, too dangerous to even have the opportunity. His eyes flickered shut and a long breath escaped him as his fingers wove into the borrowed sweatshirt. "I don't know what to do anymore…" He mumbled to no one. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel…" he groaned and tossed a pillow over his face. If he fell asleep, maybe he could just play dumb and pretend today never happened. He could forget his birthday and everything that came along with it- and he'd never look forward to another. Although despite the raging turmoil that had sprung up within him at the flippant words from Norge ate away at his self confidence, he felt saved by the fact that the both of them still cared enough to come find him today. Even after the childish outburst from the birthday gift, they had found him, reassured him that he still had a place. Sort of like these hidden monstrosities, maybe they weren’t meant to see the light of day, but Lukas liked them enough to keep them around.

**Author's Note:**

> me and my friend wrote this. we have a lot of feelings about these very good boys. enjoy. also this does not end in a satisfying manner at all. do not get your hopes up


End file.
